All That I Say, You Always Say More…

Turning Tables(Where love is lost, Your ghost is found…)

I think I’ve got emotional whiplash.  The source of that whiplash is not what I really intend to go into.  But I apologize in advance if I do.  9 times out of 10, when I write… especially out of pain… I start with an idea and what transpires is a beast all its own.  I don’t start a blog entry with a definitive end.  I just write.  And when it feels complete, then it is.  If it doesn’t, I keep writing.

One of my biggest fears in life is that it will end with my having never meant anything to anyone.  Now, deep in the back of my sub-conscience, I know that I mean something to my friends, to my community.  I get that, I really do.  And I’m not here to emo about “Nobody loves me!”  But to mean something to my friends… and to truly mean SOMETHING to another human being that cares enough to love me are two different things.  At least, they equate to two different things in my head.  I’m not sure I can explain just how that is, so I apologize if it makes no sense.  Again, the things that come out of my head don’t always have to make sense.  And I’m writing from a place of pain, so it’s even less likely to make any kind of comprehensible sense.

Also… how fleeting everything in life seems… and I mean EVERYTHING… even life itself… just irks me.  Pre-teen girls can go from being best friends one day and worst enemies the next.  Athletes can go from being perfectly healthy to sitting out an entire season.  And apparently people can go from loving you to hating you and thinking some very horrible things about you.  A change of opinion should be expected as people grow and adapt to the condition of the world around them… but that quickly?  Damn.  Hit me like a mac truck and I’m just like… I dunno.  Maybe I don’t understand because I can’t just switch love on and off like that.  Does that make me weird?

Turning Tables(I can’t keep up with Your turning tables; under Your thumb, I can’t breathe…)

And does it make me weird to still love Him?  Even amidst all the horrible things that He’s said?  The trust He’s broken?  When I never wanted to fall in love in the first place… because I’ve known nothing but pain from love… when I told myself I wouldn’t fall again… and that I would never fall that quickly.  To fall that quickly was foolish.  I told myself all these things.  I went into it with eyes wide open.  And yet, here I sit.  I fell that hard… I fell that fast.  Something about Him felt… right.  And now it’s just… not.  It’s not right.  The things He’s saying aren’t right… how He claims He feels isn’t right.  I can’t wrap my head around it… it just… isn’t right.  But I told myself that I wouldn’t get involved again… that I wouldn’t fall again.  And I did it anyway.  It’s my own fault.

Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own Savior
When the Thunder calls to me
Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own Savior
Standing on my own two feet

Pffft.  Who am I kidding?  We all say, “I’ll learn from my mistakes and it’ll be better next time!”  We all get this optimistic feeling in the depths of our hearts that we learned out lessons and everything will work out juuuuuuuuuuust fine next time.  And does it ever?  I mean… seriously… be real with yourself for a moment.

Does it ever?

Turning Tables(It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables…)

*~* All That I Say, You Always Say More… *~*

Shape: MINE!
Skin: Holly Skin (Fair) – Izzie’s
Eyes: Lovers eyes (Baby Blue) – [theSkinnery]  (MESH)
Hair: Hairbase 15 (Shaved/Tribal – Reds) – EMO-tions  (from Sidney hair)
Ears: Steking Ears (Unisex) – Mandala  (MESH)
Makeup: Raven’s Flock – Madrid Solo
Hoodie: Hoodie Unisex (Black) – .Shi  (MESH)
Pants & Boots: Yukatan Pants (Black) – LeeZu!  (MESH)
Suspenders: Leather Suspenders (Unisex) (Black) – .Shi  (MESH)
Bracelets & Nails: Kabuki Bracelet, Handring, Nails (Infinitely Black) – Mandala
Necklace: Kabuki Necklace 1 (Infinitely Black) – Mandala
Facial Piercings: Liquid Silver – the :HV: (formerly Hebanon Vial)  (* this particular set unavailable; many amazing piercings still!)
Pose: Morphine

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