It’s Hard to See the Pain Behind the Mask…

Concrete Angel(A statue stands in a shaded place…)

First of all… thank you all for bearing with me while I get back into this slowly but surely.  It’s hard to find continual inspiration like I used to… before, I had all this inspiration but taking and editing the photos from my crappy computer was such a complicated process I just didn’t want to do it.  Now, I have the good computer that can take the photos and make editing them easy… but my inspiration is just… meh.

I know I haven’t given you all the post that I promised about why I was gone for so long… and for that, I apologize.  It’s been an interesting summer.  It’s like… everyone I’m graduating with for dance class on Sunday (see what I did there?) just had the summer from hell.  I was sick, I was changing jobs… and on the 1st of August, I lost my father in RL to emphysema, heart disease, and the doctors thought he might’ve had cancer as well.  They found masses on his lungs… but I declined the autopsy.  I just… couldn’t deal with it after the fact, you know?  He was a sick man… he passed away.  That much alone was devastating enough.  I couldn’t bear the idea of the other information I might find out via an autopsy.

So it’s just been a slow process coming back into everything… RL work is still changing, but I start training for a new job on October 14th.  It might be part-time, but it’s NOT seasonal… which was, like, a shock to me.  Around the holiday season, it’s so hard to find permanent jobs here in the U.S.  Most are just hiring seasonal work through January or so, but I managed to snag a part-time ‘full status’ position in a call center.  It will be an interesting experience, I’m sure.  But it’s a job.  That’s what’s important.

I still miss my dad every day.  And actually it really only hit me a few days ago that he’s actually dead.  I was going to the store… or something else equally random… and when I pulled back into my driveway, I just sat there for a few minutes and cried.  It was almost like I’d JUST figured out my dad died.  It had just sunken in fully all the way.  And it hurt… it really hurt.

So I’m still going through some stuff.  Thank you for bearing with me.

Concrete Angel(In a world that she can’t rise above…)

Now, on to what I wanted to write about.  I got SO inspired today when I found these eyes… I’m hoping to use this blog as my Catskillz “under 150L” assignment as well… since everything else was in my inventory… and I spent 1L on the eyes.  (*Bats eyelashes* Does it work Bonie?  Please?)

Anyway… I got so inspired when I saw these eyes on Marketplace… they looked blind.  And I’d always wanted to do this artistic sorta blind angel statue styling… ever since I got these wings from Glam Affair.  I don’t know why I wanted it to be a BLIND angel… but it worked.  And with the sorta modern/urban/street casual look of LivGlam’s outfit… I just… fell so in love.  I really did.  Unconventional as a styling as it was, I fell in love with it… and so I’m really hoping the pictures do it justice, and the topic that I’d like to approach today doesn’t muddle the beauty of what I styled and the song I chose for it.

I don’t want to talk tonight about blindness, so much as I want to talk about “selective seeing”.  In a way, some people walk through life with their eyes open wide… only to certain things.  They are selectively blind when it comes to their own errors, their own wrongdoings… and they can’t see the egg on their face when they really screw up and make a fool out of themselves.  They just keep asserting how right they are and how wrong anyone else is that sees things differently.  They are “selectively blind” to how things really are.

I’m not innocent of selective blindness and selective sight.  I’ve been there.  Many times.  6 months ago or so I LIVED in a CONSTANT state of selective blindness.  And what’s worse?  I had, like, NO mental filter.  So not only did I see things the wrong way, I had NO issues telling anyone just exactly what I thought of how screwed up their view was… even if they were completely right and I was the one seeing things the wrong way.

I was selectively blind.

Concrete Angel(But her dreams give her wings, and she flies to a place where she’s loved…)

Selective blindness can make us REALLY look like assholes sometimes.  Take this evening, for example.

I’m sitting in a discussion, minding my own business, really.  Listening to the comments made, making a few of my own… just doing the general “participation” thing that I like to do in my community every so often.  We were speaking about protocols… as a particular community member was having problems ‘writing’ protocols in his relationship.  We spent about half the discussion speaking about that and before we finished out on comments that were pertaining to that topic, a new question was posed: “Do slaves submit?”

It has always been my understanding and my personal belief that yes, slaves submit, even if they are in a service-based, non-romantic relationship.  They submit to their service.  They submit to their obedience.  And for me, this has been to my detriment at inconvenient times in my life.  When I’m pissed… no, it’s not a problem at all.  Lol.  I will speak my mind and speak it very clearly, and often not listen to others.  But that’s the bi-polar lack of control of my emotions coming out of me.  When I’m calm… if I have an opinion… and I’m being constantly interrupted while speaking, or I’m being told I’m wrong… and the person I’m speaking with is of a stronger personality than I am, I’m likely to just sit there, hush, and listen.  I may still disagree, but I won’t voice that disagreement.  I won’t stand up for myself, really.  Not in a calm situation.  I can be very meek and mild, much to some peoples’ surprise… and it is very much a detriment to me.

I really had no way to properly explain that point… as it’s not the easiest thing for people to wrap their heads around.  And I was searching through experiences in my life that I could use as an example or an analogy.  Analogies and examples are what I survive on.  I’m thoroughly convinced I couldn’t effectively communicate without them.  Because I can’t articulate my thoughts as eloquently as I’d like to, most of the time.

While I’m thinking about how I’m going to explain my particular weakness in this obedience, I’m waiting for my turn in the queue.  A Dominant in the room had a comment, then the Dominant who posed the original question had a follow-up question, and then I had a comment.  While the follow-up question was being posed, the previous Dominant jumped in with what seemed to be just a small comment.  No harm, no foul.  I continued to listen and mentally wrack my brain for examples.  However, the more the previous Dominant spoke, the more it turned into full fledged comment.  Instead of placing a “c” in local chat to hop into the queue and answer the question, the Dominant had stepped in front of my place “in line”, so to speak, and had taken over.  I admit to feeling a bit walked all over, a bit stepped on.  But did I say anything?  Not at first.  The community leader presiding over the discussion had not felt the need to step in yet, and so the situation was under control and it was not my place to really speak up.  Even if I felt overlooked.  It wasn’t until a fellow attender of the discussion posed a question about the speaking queue in local did I feel like I even had the strength to stand up and say something as well.

And there I had my example.  I pretensed my comment saying that I was NOT in ANY way, shape, or form trying to call anyone out or state my opinion in a negative or angry way.  And I apologized in advance if anyone would take it that way.  I then went on to explain that I submit to my obedience, even when it become a detriment to me, and I used that situation as an example.  When I felt overlooked and stepped on, I didn’t stick up for myself… not until someone else said something.  It was like I needed to know it was “ok” to stand up for myself before I did.  And it was embarrassing to admit that weakness in myself to my community… but it’s normally such a supportive community that I felt I could do so.

Later, my partner tells me that that Dominant is in His IMs, accusing me of having “topped” him during the discussion.  For those non-D/s readers that I have… “topping” is what Dominants do with their submissives, what Masters do with Their slaves.  It’s inflicting that Dominance over them.  So my BIGGEST question in all this insane drama that has ensued because this particular Dominant got butt-hurt over a comment that I made… if I was “Topping” Him… what was I trying to make Him do, exactly?  What was the Will of mine that I was trying to impose on Him?  To accuse me of Topping is accusing me of trying to command… get Him to obey what I say… get Him to submit to my will… so what exactly was I trying to get Him to do?

Selective blindness.  He still refuses to see that in breaking the etiquette of the discussion and trampling over the speaking queue to make his point to the Dominant who posed His follow-up question… that He was the only one doing anything inappropriate.

Selective blindness sucks… and can really make people look bad.

Concrete Angel(A name is written on a polished rock; a broken heart that the world forgot…)

*~* It’s Hard to See the Pain Behind the Mask… *~*

Shape: MINE!
Skin: Cleo (America; Makeup 11)Glam Affair
Eyes: Dolly Eyes (Blind)~*By Snow*~
Hair: Claudette (Jellyfish)Wasabi Pills *~*non-rigged mesh*~*
Makeup: Margot Makeup 02 – Glam Affair (release from previous Cosmetic Fair; cannot find in store)
Eyeliner: Liner 3 (thin)DAMNED Bodyshop
Jacket/Shirt: Hey Soul SisterLivGlam (bought at Rock Your Rack)  *~*rigged mesh*~*
Jeans: Skinny NX PantsNerdmonkey  *~*rigged mesh*~*
Heels: Grace Sandals (Black Patent)Gos Boutique  *~*rigged mesh*~*
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hand (Elegant 1)Slink  *~*rigged mesh*~*
Ears: Steking EarsMandala  *~*non-rigged mesh*~*
Ring: Roho (Silver; Grey Stone)Maxi Gossamer  *~*non-rigged mesh*~*
Collar: Wylder’s Collar – Wild Ice (not sold; handmade by my partner)
Wings: Essential Wings (Teal)Glam Affair
Poses: Various from the “Fierce” set*PosESioN* (full set currently on sale for L$100; limited time!)

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