And I… am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all…
And I… will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl…
(Say something, I’m giving up on You…)
*Takes a deep breath… and just sighs*
It’s interesting to finally have things getting back to normal… ish. For those that didn’t know, my RL has kinda been a whirlwind since November when in less than a week I had packed everything I owned that could fit in a 12 foot Uhaul trailer, pitched the rest, and moved from Central Indiana to Southern Alabama to help my mother care for my dying grandfather. He held on for quite a long time… He had always been stubborn, though. On February 2nd, 2014, He finally let Himself rest and quit suffering. And so I spent a week, ass-deep in snow, helping my mother and grandmother deal with the arrangements and going through the viewing and the funeral. I came back home to Alabama only to end up sick… and now voila… here I am. The last 3 months of my life in a nutshell.
I’m pretty impressed the above paragraph is that short. But yes, that’s where I’ve been lately.
Not long ago… well, I say that, but it’s actually been like 2 months… even if there aren’t very many posts between then and now… but not long ago, I wrote a rather angry blog post that told a certain someone that I was sick of sacrificing myself and my own ability to be happy, just to make sure that they remain happy. I mean… they are the one who left me… they are the one that thought they couldn’t be what I needed and walked away… why should I be beating myself up about it and walking on eggshells in order to make sure that they remain happy, right?
I dunno. The logic… it just isn’t there, when it comes to this Man. I don’t think I’ve ever once been logical, when it came to Him. I mean… I left an abusive situation and immediately allowed Him to sorta… sweep me off my feet, into His arms, tell me I was safe… and from there our relationship began to grow. Logic would’ve told me to wait… become stable on my own… before turning to Him. But again, logic… just isn’t there. It never has been, with Him. And so I allowed myself to fall… I allowed Him to catch me… and almost a year afterwards, He walked away.
And I’ve pretty much been duct taping pieces back together ever since.
And ya know… silly me… I actually held on to hope. I really did. As pathetic as that makes me feel to admit, I really did continue to hold on to this small hope that maybe… some day… we would both grow… and we might grow… I dunno how to say it. Grow into each other? You know how when you were a kid and your parents would get you a sweater, or a pair of pants, or a pair of shoes… and it was just a little too big… and instead of returning it for a different size, they’d just laugh at the sleeves that were too long, or how much the shoes resembled clown shoes, and tell you, “You’ll grow into it.” I guess that’s how I felt when He left. Maybe one day we’ll just grow into it. Maybe it will still be ok.
Because the truth is, that Man taught me a lot about myself… and a lot of the growth that I made during the time that I was with Him, and in the time since being without Him… has been His ‘fault’, so to say. It’s been His prompting. Even steps that I’m taking now, to this day, even recently… they’ve been steps taken from seed He’d sewn so long ago.
And it wasn’t until the other night… I was reading a book… (yes, I was reading!) I came across a line…
“Except that there’s no happiness for me without my place at [His side]. And I will fight as hard as anyone to get back there and make [Him] proud of me. Because I love [Him], more than life itself. So I’m here to learn how to get back home.”
I changed the gender to be appropriate… but it’s like… it smacked me in the face. That’s what it feels like I’ve been doing all this time, subconsciously. I never did it intentionally, as I have had relationships since Him, including my current one… but it’s like everything from then until now has been my subconscious working to try and make HIM proud of me… when it seems, for lack of being able to speak to Him and know if it’s true or not, it seems that He doesn’t really care one way or the other anymore. He has what He wants. What is seems He always wanted. I felt like a placeholder then… and I still feel now like the time that I spent with Him then, I spent as a placeholder. I guess that’s why I get so mad when I see Him with her. There I was working hard at the one place I found happiness… and I was just simply holding a place, until the time was right for Him and her.
Again, without being able to speak with Him to know whether or not it’s true, there’s nothing to chance my mind. And it hurt. It still does.
But at the same time… I guess I can’t spend the rest of my life trying to make someone proud of me who doesn’t look at me anymore. I can’t spend the rest of my days trying to make Him proud of me, when I am not His to be proud of. I can’t keep flailing around in the darkness hoping He might shed some kind of light, when the lightbulb burned out a long time ago, and He’s off elsewhere, doing other things.
Hence the styling tonight. I guess I just feel like the butt of one big joke. Not His fault. Not anyone’s fault. None except my own.
I hope someone out there somewhere is laughing. Because I’m not.
*~* Anywhere, I Would’ve Followed You *~*
Skin: Kaelyn 09 (India) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON (past FaMESHed release; now available in store)
Hair: KBO906 (Red) – Boon
Eyeshadow (Lower Layer): Insanity Plea (Green) – Madrid Solo
Eyeshadow (Design): Wild Abandon – Madrid Solo
Lipstick: Insanity Plea (Green) – Madrid Solo
Top: Hedwig (Lime) – Zibska *~*rigged mesh*~*
Hat: Hedwig (Lime) – Zibska *~*non-rigged mesh*~*
Necklace & Earrings: Zeta Deux Jewelry Set – Zibska (part of 50L closing sale!)
Blogging Tune: “Say Something” – Pentatonix (Cover)