And I Can’t Pretend That I Don’t See This…

So you give up every chance you get
Just to feel new again
I think we have an emergency
And you do your best to show me love
But you don’t know what love is
So are you listening?
So are you watching me?

Emergency2FINAL

I may lose friends over the post that is coming.  I may lose jobs, I may lose sponsorships, I may lose opportunities.  Though the fact that I have thought this out, am fully aware of the potential consequences, and am still willing to risk it… that should tell you a lot about how I feel about what I’m going to talk about in this post.

I think the part that may be the most complicated for some of you to understand will be the part that I start with… just to try and get a lot of the explanation part out of the way.  My ex, is not just my ex-boyfriend.  He is also my former Master.  Yes, Master, as in M/s… as in Tivi is a submissive.  This has been outed on this blog before, however, I feel the need to bring it up again here.

The thing about M/s relationships is that there’s an incredibly deep connection there… moreso than in a regular, ‘vanilla’, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship… at least in my personal experiences in both kinds of relationships.  My M/s relationships have always been deeper.  There is such a higher level of trust involved… you give your everything to that person… and you trust them not only to keep Themselves safe and sane… but you trust them to keep you safe.  You trust them with everything, and trust that they will delegate control of certain things back to you.  Because in voluntarily handing it over to them, they could very well choose to keep it all.  In practical terms, though, they can’t really… not in a long-distrance relationship carried out over a virtual environment.

Could you just see that?  IMing Him every time I had to pee… or wanted to get something to eat… to get a drink of water?  No.  Certain things are delegated back, and I always appreciated them.

But the amount of trust I had for Him made our connection and our relationship so much deeper.  Unfortunately, there was always one little thing stopping us.

My ex was an alt.

Of course, this is normally not a bad thing… people have their own reasons to create an alt… starting over, more group space, needing to hide out from people… and these reasons are usually harmless.  Hell, I’ve got an alt that holds some blogging groups, and another alt that I actually brought out of inactivity in order to do photoshoots with my ex from time to time, because I didn’t want Tivi’s name associated with those photos.  Sometimes alts are harmless.  And at the time I thought my ex being an alt was harmless.  However, I’m finding now (too late, of course) that it is very harmful… and so I’m wanting to bring this issue to light, while still respecting him enough to not outright use his name.

He knows who he is.  He knows what he’s done.  He knows what he continues to do.

Emergency1FINAL

I took these pictures mere meters from the first place we danced… the first place we cuddled.  And it devastates me that I have to wonder if he actually gave a damn about me, or if he just said the things he knew I wanted to hear.

You see, my ex’s main avatar was, at one point, and still is, in my opinion, considered one of the Top male models in SL.  He always claimed that He had gotten ‘bored’/’tired’ of the mainstream fashion community… He wanted to do something new, something fun, but still something that allowed Him to be creative.  So, He went into porn.  HIS work was more “erotic photography”… but He went into the porn industry in SL.  He created the alt so that he would be free to explore his new interest without getting the gasps of horror that his main avatar was suddenly doing porn.

His main avatar was also partnered… to someone I love dearly and greatly respect.  This… was my BIGGEST issue when we got together.  I mean, after all, I knew both avatars were the same person… and I knew that the main avatar was partnered.  And when I confronted him about His partnership several times, simply expressing that I didn’t want to hurt his partner, as I respect her so much… His response to me was always some form of that they were still friends and that they had been meaning to dissolve their partnership anyway.  They just hadn’t gotten around to talking about it, and he didn’t want to do it until they had actually spoken.  (Perfectly understandable.)  Several times he reassured me that he wasn’t using his alt (and me) to cheat… and because I loved him… I believed him.

Yet months went by, and the partnership remained.  I confronted him with my discomfort a few more times, and he kept telling me the same thing over and over… they merely hadn’t gotten to talk about it yet.  Over and over I believed him.  After all, as many times as I’d heard it, I figured it either had to be the truth, or an extremely well-rehearsed lie.

I just didn’t plan on it being the latter.

Fast forward to our break up, and now one month past.  One thing while we were together is that I showed him the place that I use to take my blog pictures… the most wonderful sim, like, ever.  It’s got amazing forest/earthy places to take some gorgeous pictures, and it’s also open rez, so if you need to drop a prop or something, temporarily, you’re able to do so… as long as you clean up after yourself when you leave.  I showed him the sim when he was having issues finding somewhere that he could rez in order to take pictures.  4 days ago… well, I guess 5 now, as it’s 3am… I teleport into that same place to take some pictures and grab a SLURL (cause Tivi never saves her SLURLs like she should)… and what do I find?  My ex.

See, now he’s conveniently started logging back into his main avatar… tells me he’s going to be picking up fashion again after receiving a promotion (that I also confronted him about, because another thing he’d reassured me several times is that the only reasons he didn’t want other people knowing who he was was 1.) The fact that his alt is in porn, and 2.) He was retiring the main avatar)… and not only is he logged into the main avatar, but he is on this sim I showed him, in one of the gazebos off in the sim, cuddling with another model.

Now, again, how many fucks do I give that he’s moving on?  Whatever… I have too.  The issue that I have here… well, there are a few issues, actually.  1.) How thoroughly worthless does it make me feel that I was hidden away for the entirety of our relationship, and yet here he is, out in the open, with another?  Was I just simply not good enough to be with Him on his main avatar, or was He actually using me to cheat, like He’d assured me He wasn’t?  2.) At the time of this first encounter, He is still partnered.  So not only was He running around behind His partner’s back with me on His alt (yes, at the time I believed Him, but now I’m not so sure that she ever knew at all… I hate feeling like the ‘other woman’ to someone I so greatly respect…) now He was running around behind His partner’s back IN PLAIN SIGHT… rather, on His main avatar.

I’m not even going to go into the moral ambiguity of the model in question.  This post is focused on him.

Rather than confronting Him when I see Him… I bite my tongue and convince myself that they are just taking a photo or something.  I have the uncanny ability to force myself to be optimistic when the only other option is to physically feel my heart break.

But then yesterday I see via Facebook that this partnership has ended.  Sure enough, a glance at his main avatar’s profile proved that the partnership had indeed dissolved.  Funny how we talked about it happening for months and months, and now suddenly he’s actually motivated to have the conversation and dissolve the partnership.  Again, how worthless am I left to feel?

And to take the cake, last night, I tp into the same sim to grab the SLURL for the blog posts I put up yesterday… and I see him there with the same model, again.  It appears, to the outside eye, that his motivating factor for ending his partnership was so that he could be with this woman now without actually sneaking around and cheating… YES, OH UNNAMED EX OF MINE, IT IS CHEATING WHEN YOU GO BEHIND YOUR PARTNER’S BACK AND DECIDE TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

I feel so… used… and like such a horrible person.  I loved Him… and so I believed Him… but from the outside looking in… I see everything how it really looked… and god it looks bad.  I feel like the worst person… for letting Him even draw me into that situation… that I would go behind the back of someone I respect that much… and that I would allow myself to even be remotely involved with something like that.  That I would allow myself to be hidden away like some secret that isn’t good enough to be shared.

How is it that I’m the only one in this situation who feels like a horrible person?  He just gets to go along like he did nothing wrong and continue to use and hurt other people… the only difference?  This time he doesn’t have a partner that he’s sneaking around behind… at least this time he’s “single” when he’s doing the running around.

Of course, He wasn’t “single” when it started.

And who knows who else He’s done this too.

I’m just… beyond livid right now… the moral ambiguity of some people is enough to drive me completely up the damned wall.

I no longer have the faith that I used to in Humanity.  Clearly we’re all just out to destroy each other.  No one cares about anyone else’s feelings.  No one cares what consequences their actions cause.  And no one cares who they are hurting in the process.

At least, He obviously doesn’t care how much He’s hurt me in all this… physically, mentally, and emotionally.  And He doesn’t seem to care about how much it may hurt His former partner if she happens to find out this whole thing is about him running around on her.

“I think we have an emergency…”

Emergency3FINAL

*~* And I Can’t Pretend That I Don’t See This… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Kaelyn 09 (India) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON
Hair: Tariel (Dark Red) – Emo-tions  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Ears: Stekking Ears (Unisex) – Mandala  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink  *~ rigged mesh *~*
Nailcolor Applier: Metals – Nailed It
Eyeshadow (underneath layer): Xclamation (male design) – Madrid Solo
Eyeshadow (top layer): Twice Shy (Rose) – Madrid Solo
Jacket: Sabrina Belted Jacket (Female Version) – Fashionatic  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Leggings: 029 Leather Knee Spike Pants – Baii Maii  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Heels: Bonnie (Black) – [Gos] Boutique  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Necklace & Drop Earrings: Broken Heart Set (Onyx) – Earthstones  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Ring: Royal Khadijah Estate Ring – Maxi Gossamer  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Facial Piercings: Anonymous (Metal; manually tinted darker) – Hebanon Vial
Headpiece: LadyOfHighGarden ULTRA RARE – Aisling  @ The Secret Affair Gacha  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*

Poses: Girls 399 (Photo 1) & Girls 382 (Photo 2)EverGlow
Pose: Electric 10 (Photo 3)PosESioN

Location: Misty Mountain Romance

Blogging Tune: “Emergency” – Paramore

3 thoughts on “And I Can’t Pretend That I Don’t See This…

  1. oh dear Tivi,

    if you are presented with less opportunities or cancellations or whatsoever i´d be SHOCKED… It is just too obvious, that the shared profession in the media/fashion scene is nothing but a side affect. My very own private situation in SL was …not the same but similar so i think i can somehow relate how you feel right now.
    Much strength,
    Kasha

    • I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had to go through something similar. No one deserves to feel how I did/do.
      No one deserves to have this done to them.
      I guess a part of me just wishes he were sorry for any of it, you know? And I was tempted to out him in a worse way… name and all… boy was I tempted… but if I stoop to the level of douchebaggery that He has… then how can I remain the bigger person?

      Holler at me in-world if you ever need an ear! I’ll be here.

      Many hugs and Strength in Return,
      Tivi ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s