I Can’t Even Breathe…

Baby why’d you leave me, why’d you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I’ll never know
I can’t even breathe…
It’s like I’m looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody’s saying He’s not coming home now
This can’t be happening to me…
This is just a dream…

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From the time that I was 10 years old, I can remember being incredibly concerned about who was going to walk me down the aisle some day.

I know I’ve told some of you this story too, but it’s another one I just need to get off my chest today.

From the time that I was 10 years old, the courts I guess thought I was old enough to make the decision about whether or not I wanted to continue regular, every-other-weekend visitation with my father… and I’d said no, I wanted to stop.  I don’t remember what my major motivating factors were, but I remember feeling incredibly unimportant to my father at the time, and so I probably just throught he didn’t want to be around me and decided to no longer be in his way.

Funny how I still feel that with people… and that’s still my reaction…

But when I stopped visiting dad, he was mad.  Started saying with was my mother’s fault, etc etc.  It was just like he really hated my mom.  And I remember sitting in the garage one day with a very concerned look on my face and looking to my mom and asking, “Mom, can I ask you a serious question?”

She looked a little shocked.  What in the world could 10-year-old me have wanted to ask that was so serious?  Honestly, I think she was just praying it wasn’t something like ‘Where do babies come from?’  But she said sure.

“Who’s going to walk me down the aisle at my wedding?”

She looked… confused?  Shocked?  Dismayed?  The fact that I even had to ask was apparently a bit of a blow to her.  Even at 10 years old, I remember being able to see a sense of failure on her face.  At that moment, she probably blamed herself that I even had to ask.  Instead, she covered it up and asked, “What do you mean?”

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I went on, still clearly very concerned about this issue, to tell her, as matter-of-factly as I could, “Well, dad hates you, and I guess that means he hates me too.  What if he doesn’t come to my wedding?  How can he walk me down the aisle if he’s not at my wedding?”

I remember distinctly that my mother started to cry.  She knew the very strained relationship that I held with my step-father… what with the verbal and physical abuse and all… and so she knew I still held out hope for my dad to do that sort of ‘special’ thing.  As well I should!  He’s my father!  That’s every (mostly) little girl’s dream!  To grow up and marry an amazing man in the wedding of her dreams and be given away by her father.

After she sniffed a few times to hide that she’d been crying (unsuccessfully, I might add), she said, “Well, baby… I’m sure your dad will be there, regardless of how he feels about me, he still loves you very much.  He would want to be there for his babygirl.”  A few more sniffs.  It was like she assumed because I was 10, I didn’t comprehend human emotion.  *Chuckles*  But then she added, “But if for whatever reason he doesn’t show up… your grandpa could do it.  I think he’d like that.”

And from that moment, I was sold.  It was my new dream.  To grow up, marry an amazing man in the wedding of my dreams, and have my father or my grandfather give me away.  Heck if they were both there, why couldn’t BOTH of them do it?!  Throughout all the fighting my mom and dad went through from then on, that was what kept me holding on to hope of some semblance of a family…

Some day I’ll get married, and for that one day, everyone will smile and get along… because it’s my day, and that’s what I want.  My dad and/or grandpa will give me away, the man will be amazing, and for that one day, things will be perfect again.

Sitting here now, first of all, I have to wonder where the hell this amazing man is supposed to be!  Lol.  But on a more serious note… I’ve lost both my father and my grandfather.  And sometimes, the thing that makes that fact the most real is when I randomly sit here and come to the same realization over and over again…

I have no idea who will walk me down the aisle, if/when I ever get married.

It’s like I’m 10 years old again.  Scared to death because I have no idea… and broken-hearted because my dream can’t come true.

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*~* I Can’t Even Breathe… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Maya (Natural; Freckles) – Aimi
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Haruka (True Red; manually tinted darker) – Argrace
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands): French Manicure Pastels Set – Nailed It
Eyeshadow: Romy Eyes Makeup Color Line (color 6) – Glam Affair
Dress: Bridal Gown (White) – Schoen  @ Fashion For Life (100% Donation)
Jewelry Set: Lasya Complete Set (ring & anklets not shown) – Lazuri

Poses: Amour 1 – PosESioN (Photo 2)
* I made the pose myself used in photos 1 and 3

Location: My Home

Blogging Tune:  “Just a Dream” – Carrie Underwood

7 thoughts on “I Can’t Even Breathe…

  1. You look absolutely beautiful. And I can identify with you because I lost my dad too and well I wondered for the longest time who was going to walk me down the isle too. As time went on and while that perfect fellow hasn’t swept me off my feet for that big day to happen either, I’ve come to the conclusion that even if I’m walking down the isle physically alone that in mind, heart, and spirit is is right there with me. So sitting in my jewelry box is his favorite handkerchief that I will have wrapped around my bouquet just for that little piece of him a bit closer to me. Remember my friend, sometimes you may not see them, but you can feel them right there watching over you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings…and another great post. Love you! ❤

    • Love you too, hun.
      People keep telling me he’s right there… but most of the time, I don’t feel him. And I think that just makes it worse.

      Looks like he’s going to be predominantly absent, even in death.

      • Maybe he’s there and you just don’t feel it because you’re expecting to feel the presence differently. Things like that happen in ways you don’t quite expect.

  2. I lost my father 17 years ago. Even though I am nowhere close to being married, i have every intention of having my mother walk me down the aisle. Life throws us curve balls….traditions are not set in stone. Time to make your own!

    • Thank you Bella.
      Yes, my mother and I sat down and discussed one day (much like when I was 10), after I lost my grandfather as well, what would happen… we talked about hanging grandpa’s memorial windchimes in the church and having Dad’s urn with me when mom walked me down the aisle. Then they would both be there.
      And if grandma was there, then she would walk with mom. Sort of walking in their place… after all, my grandmother has some strong opinions about the men I should and shouldn’t date! LOL. If I’m getting married, they’ve passed the grandma test. 😛

  3. Hugs you Tivi, You are a beautiful young woman and one that day comes you will enjoy it just as much and your dad and grandfather will be there in spirit and they wil be so proud of you. I think its wonderful you share urself though your Blog. ❤

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