Oh, to dress up in Your arms
Alone with nothing but our scars
I know that she won’t love you like I love you
(Like I love you)
Oh well, oh what am I to do?
Oh well, oh what am I to You?
Oops, I haven’t blogged in almost a month. I’m really sorry about that. I ended up sicker than I expected… and then Relay happened… and now I’m just kinda… recovering and dreading the start of Round 2. Also, in RL news, when my car’s brakes stopped working properly and I thought I just needed more brake fluid (I’m vehicularly stupid… have we covered that yet?) it turned out the brake line was actually broken? (And yes, to answer Chance’s question again… I’m sure it was broken… not cut… lol). So yeah… my car’s been in the shop for the last week and let me tell you… stir crazy is an understatement.
However, none of that is really what I wanted to chat about today.
Some of you have enjoyed following my journey in Gor… and I promise to do another Gor-related post soon… to cover my release/runaway… being a camp slave in a camp that doesn’t really have them… and escaping with a captive to a new village.
Today, however… is more about me as a slave. Not me as a Gorean slave… but me as a slave in general.
I’ve felt really…. disconnected… lately. Disconnected from people, disconnected from my slavery… disconnected from the world in general. I guess something about being stalked by my previous Master’s Companion and being treated horribly simply because she was jealous (of what, I have no idea… Most of His family made no effort to accept me or view me as His slave… and I was constantly working my ass off to earn favor of other people… thus setting myself back MONTHS in shit I thought I’d already dealt with, in regards to caring too much about what other people think.) Why anyone would be jealous of that, I have no idea. Especially when she is engaged in RL and supposedly very happy. Why then be jealous on an Out of Character level? Anyway… I guess something about the way she treated me and the way she stalked Him and U/us (when we ever got the chance to be together without her around) just threw me off in a major way. I had to leave…. the situation wasn’t healthy. I was in tears more often than I was happy… I didn’t want to be in SL… I didn’t want to do much of anything. Why this frigid, petty, jealous woman had that much hold over me, I have NO idea… but she did. She REALLY got to me. How one person can single-handedly ruin progress that I had made… and ruin something that I’d waited for a long time to try for… it boggles my mind.
Well… ok… not just one person. I played my part in that, instead of standing up for myself, I rolled over… and let her affect me.
Well… no… I take that back again… I did stand up for myself. But I only really did so to Him… when I asked why HE wasn’t standing up for me… or why I never saw it. His response was usually some incarnation of how I didn’t know what He was doing or what was said, etc etc… and You know… He was right. I didn’t. Because He never did it AROUND me. He never stood up for me while I was present… or when the situation was occurring. And while I appreciate the effort He told me later that He was making… how exactly was I supposed to feel in that situation.
How would You feel if the person who was supposed to care for You and look out for You and protect You and all those other empty promises that people make to each other… if they just sat idly by while You were being mistreated by someone else in their life? Would You feel cared for? Looked out for? Protected?
Would You feel loved?
Yeah… I didn’t either. And I didn’t know how to properly deal with that. I felt hung out to dry…. like some of the pictures for this entry, I felt unwanted. Like I could’ve laid outside His house, shackled to a sign, giving me a way. But rather than being “Free to a good home” like most pets are… I clearly only choose the people that end up later mistreating me. “Free to a bad home”. That seems to describe me lately.
And as a result? I’m so… numb. I don’t think I’ve ever been this numb to my own slavery before. Like… I don’t feel it. I feel… hollow. Empty. And sometimes I convince myself it’s because I was forced to leave the person who is supposed to be in my life at this moment. Other times, that feels like a crock of bullshit and I feel like I’m some kind of defective slave. And still other times, though admittedly these are VERY few, sometimes I wonder if I’m a slave at all.
Though I’ll admit… lately I’ve felt like if I am a slave… I must clearly be a bad one. I’ve always believed in karma. But I think the Universe has mistaken me for some other person. I feel like I’m living in someone else’s karmic nightmare that I just can’t seem to wake up from. And the longer I’m stuck here… the more beaten down and numb I become.
I don’t like it.
I don’t remember what else I wanted to say here… I’m sorry.
*~* Bite My Tongue, Cause All I Do Is Stutter… *~*
Skin: Cleo (Clean; America Tone) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Moment (Hud 02) – Magika Hair
Body: TheMeshProject Body – TheShops
Hands: TheMeshProject Hands – TheShops
Feet: TheMeshProject Feet (set to Mid) – TheShops
Teeth: Open Mouth Pro – PXL Creations (USING PIERCING EXPANSION)
Dress: True Colors (Circles) – Dead Dollz @ Greek Isle Gacha Aug. 1st
Necklace: Boho Time Necklace – Pure Poison (past group gift)
Collar/Cuffs: Rigid Cuffs – Mesmerize Dungeon
Earrings: Large Hoop Earrings (Gold) – Soedara
Nose Piercing: Cihuapilli Nose Piercing (Gold) – Soedara
Pose Prop: Wall Mounted Shackle “Free To A Bad Home” – Rack Poses **in-store gacha**
(This was a gift from a friend, so of course I had to use it in a blog. Thank You Jarl Shadow!)
Location: Dance Gardens of Gor
Blogging Tune: “Lonely Neighbor (What Am I To You?)” – Oh Honey