All along, I knew you felt betrayed
Quiet rumors doesn’t mean that I’m to blame
Those girls were nothing
You were my everything…
I am the first to admit that I think way too much, about positively everything. I think way too much about what other people think (still), I think way too much about the past, I think way too much about the future. And the problem isn’t even so much that I think or reflect or dream… but it’s that once those things enter my head… I allow them to affect me emotionally, regardless of whether they’ve already happened and I can’t change them… or whether they haven’t happened yet and I can’t guarantee they will. I allow it to take a heavy toll on my heart, even to the point of breaking it at times.
I am also the first to admit that I’m broken. Now, to say that I’m broken doesn’t mean that I’m claiming I’m not a whole person, and I need someone else to complete me, blah blah, all that stuff. No. There’s a whole person here somewhere… I just have to figure out the jigsaw puzzle that is my existence and make sure that everything stays together the way it’s supposed to.
Why’d I start this entry this way? I think a lot about the future in RL… especially in regards to love. Those of you who actually read these posts when they’re about my life and my emotions may remember one of my posts from father’s day… talking about how I FREAKED OUT at the age of 10, thinking my father hated me because he hated my mother and wouldn’t ever come to my future wedding and I NEEDED to know from my mother who would walk me down the aisle. And that now I sit here 14 years later having lost my father and grandfather both and find myself in the mindset of that 10 year old little girl again. Fretting over the logistics of something that is in no way happening any time soon, and allowing it to break my heart all over again… either at the fact that it won’t happen, the fact that my father won’t be there, the fact that my grandfather won’t be there, or some emotionally fucked up cocktail of all three. There’s so little in my RL that I can truly grab ahold of and take control of that it’s really easy to find my mind spiraling out of control sometimes.
Some of those same worries even crept into my SL sometimes. When Wylder and I were supposed to get married at the end of this month, I found myself avoiding the planning aspects… and even contemplating turning to a couple of friends who are wedding planners… just to take the emotional bits off that I knew I would freak out about. Sometimes to look at that wedding, even if it was SL, would remind me of all those questions and all those worries that had about my RL… should it happen. I guess that means it’s a good thing we split? I don’t know. I’d never be one to really be relieved for a break-up simply because it took away the emotional inconvenience of planning a wedding. He and I meant more to me than that.
We meant more to me than a lot of things.
I’ve been sitting on this dress for what feels like forever. It’s perfect in every way, shape, and form, in my eyes. I remember when I first saw Spirit Llewelyn (god I’m sorry if I butchered the spelling of that) wearing it in the MVW 2014 final…. I was just blown away. Wylder and I were apart at the time, or else He probably would’ve remember my immense infatuation with this dress and would’ve known which one it was right off the bat when I mentioned I had the PERFECT dress. The circumstances just seemed to fall in place perfectly… this gown that I loved so much… just happened to be made by a creator that was one of the sponsors for the particular round of Flora’s Fashion Contest I entered? And the prize from said creator for the 1st Runner Up placing I received just happened to be 1 gown of my choice? I believe in coincidences… but this was a little more intense than that. It was… fate? I dunno… does that make me weird, describing my acquisition of the perfect wedding dress as ‘fate’?
But I sat on this dress for a long time. And I’ve been sitting on it even since Wylder and I split up. Maybe it was a lofty dream that He might actually come back and apologize. Maybe it was some weird superstition about showing off the dress I was supposed to get married again. Maybe it was just being afraid of actually admitting that I would never walk down the virtual aisle in this dress. Or, once again, maybe it was some fucked up emotional cocktail of all three. I don’t really know. And I hate thinking about it.
I can’t say this is the styling I would’ve used for this gown, if the wedding had actually happened. I think the necklace would’ve been involved in some way… if for no other reason than it was a gift from the woman whom I claimed as my mother until Rya adopted me. She’d given it to me a few days before Sir Zak and mine’s collaring ceremony. Told me every daughter deserved something gorgeous for her special day. And, for me, the fact that the pearls were caged were a very beautiful and subtle symbol of submission. I wore them with my silks that day, if I recall it correctly. And while I’m not exactly vehemently committed to the “Something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue” concept, I think these pearls would very much have been a ‘something old’… and a precious something at that. Especially when that mom doesn’t come in much anymore and probably wouldn’t have been able to make the wedding.
Why blog my wedding dress? I don’t really know. I blogged a wedding dress during Fashion For Life that Shoen released… and yesterday Kiddo Oh from Dead Dollz sent a notice introducing the House of Brides portion of the Dead Dollz store… with wedding versions of most of, if not all of, her gowns. I requested a couple to blog, and so those will be coming in the next short while. But why this particular dress? I’m not sure.
Maybe it’s a way of admitting defeat?
And at the same time, do I hope that Wylder still reads this blog occasionally, sees the dress and has a momentary jaw-dropping moment? Sure I do. I’m only human… and a heavily emotional human at that. So would it make me smile to know that He had to stop and pick His jaw up off the floor for a moment? Sure it would.
Am I hung up on it? Is it what I’m living and breathing for? Nope.
Either way, He got His blog post. So if He is reading this… I hope He’s happy, or somehow satisfied that He does indeed still occupy enough space in my head to warrant a blog. *Shrugs* I’m too exhausted to be angry. And I’m too busy trying to put the jigsaw puzzle back together correctly.
*~* I Fell For Everything… *~*
Skin: Belle (Natural tone; Freckles; Cleavage) – Aimi Skin ** new release! **
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Meadow (Hud 02) – Magika Hair
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands): French Manicure Pastels (Classic) – Nailed It
Teeth: Open Mouth Pro – PXL Creations (USING PIERCING EXPANSION)
Eyeshadow: glow shadow (french roast) – Blackliquid
Lipgloss: gold sheer shimmer – Blackliquid
Gown: Miss V Belize 2014 Spirit Llewellyn MVW Gown – Romance Couture
Necklace/Earrings: Caged Pearls I (Classic White) – Earthstones
Bracelets/Ring: Lasya Collection – Lazuri
Body Glitter (on chest): Body Glitter – Deetalez (prim attachment)
Poses: various from Amour set @ PosESioN
Location: Dance Gardens of Gor
Blogging Tune: “Roar” (Response) – Etham Basden