You Touch Me, And I’m Like…

You’re my Wildfire every single night
We are alive
And the stars make love to the universe…

This is an open letter. If you don’t like real feeling, I’d suggest you stop reading now…

You joked with me about my last post about Gor not saying enough about You… and that’s because this one was meant to be only about/for You. Of course, now I have to question the merit of writing it. Will it all fall on deaf ears? Perhaps. Perhaps I’m better off speaking to the wallpaper in Your home. I’m not sure.

But there’s nothing else I can do but try.

Two years ago, I met this crazy-ass slave in a camp that most people made fun of… Attacrappy… Pasta Pirates… you name it, we were called it. During a routine sim restart after a particularly laggy raid, I was store hopping and shopping a little bit, and I happened to reveal to this slave that I’d never really had ‘family’ in SL… let alone in Gor. Her response? “I’m officially claiming you as my twin! You’re mine!” And ya know… with very little modifications to either of us, we could pass as twins. We could’ve passed as twins even if we weren’t roleplaying that way.

So through this twin, I met a few friends of hers.. this Free Woman and her… Intense… Companion. That’s really the only word I have for You… intense. It’s definitely not a bad thing, before You get upset.

That’s how it all started… It’s not often You run into a legitimately Gorean Man in Gor Evolved… most of them just want to pew pew, and don’t want to rp. And if they do want to roleplay, it’s because they want to rape someone or kill them. There’s not a lot of creativity in GE… at least, there wasn’t back then. But You were different. Your roleplay was always unique. You were intriguing.

But I could already sense, even before You’d told me, that Your Companion had a way of running off slaves… so I didn’t really try to get involved, plus I was Owned at the time, at least for a little while. When I was released and became a camp slave… that is when I thought I’d dance for the two of You… and put all my worries about Her in the back seat, and just see what happened.

In the end, I did the dance… but I punked out on the submission part… and I just tp’d out like that’s all I wanted… kicking myself in the ass the whole time.

Shortly after that, I left Gor for 2 years. Whether that was motivated by my chickening out or not, I’ll never really know. I try not to think about it.

Fast forward two years and here I am, slowly taking steps back into Gor again, and come across You in a raid. I never intended to ask You to take me as a cap… but the more my camp whined about y’all “cheating” and the more they cried every time they lost… I just needed an escape… just an hour of good RP and an excuse to close out of group chat and stop the complaining. You hadn’t planned on taking a cap, with all the trouble they’d put y’all through, but thankfully, You asked where I was and came back in for me, hauling me off in binds.

Five hours later, while my camp was “too busy” to come for me, You offered me a choice to submit to You… and I did. Maybe that was what I’d needed all along, was You looming over me and, in a way, letting me know that submitting to You was ok… that it was something You were at least thinking about. Maybe that was why I’d gotten scared 2 years ago. But having had my binds cut free and being told to nadu and submit properly, I did… and I don’t think it’s ever felt so thrilling to have steel come across my neck like that.

But now? Now I’m torn. Your Companion, who is apparently OOCly Your best friend and that is all, because she’s ENGAGED in RL… has been hell-bent on making me feel not welcomed in Your collar… even to the point of camping out within chat range any time You attempt to engage in RP with me… INCLUDING that first night. Yes, I’m not sure if you noticed, but immediately upon entering the sim the night You had me captured, she was standing on the ground above the tunnels, directly above us, within chat range, spying on what You were doing. I don’t do well with people spying on private roleplay… I just don’t.

So do I feel welcomed? Not really. Do I feel like I’m where I belong? I don’t know… I’d LIKE to think I’m where I belong… because I’d like to think that I’ve not spent two years wondering “what if” for nothing… but at every turn there’s one or more people/events showing me just how much I don’t belong… or how much they don’t want me to. And when I come to You… hurt and broken down all over again… my pain falls on deaf ears.

“Well, what else would you have wanted me to say?”

Something. Anything that a Gorean Man would have done. Instead, here I sit, finding myself in silence… Her having successfully run me off again and You off God knows where.

Maybe this is just another instance where You fail to realize how much I care… and so You treat it like it’s less than it is. Maybe You just don’t understand, and reading this will help You to understand better. Maybe.

The choice, ultimately, is Yours… Am I actually to be welcomed? Am I where I belong?

Because I am right here… I have been right here… I will be right here… the real question is are You going to choose to see me, or are You going to continue to overlook my submission to You and treat it like it’s nothing.

The choice is Yours. As it should be.

*~* You Touch Me, And I’m Like… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Celina (Natural; Freckles; Cleavage) – Aimi Skins **New Release June 20th! **
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Thoughtful (Hud 02) – Magika
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Flat) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands & feet): Dark Set (Black) – Nailed It
Teeth: Open Mouth Pro – PXL Creations (USING PIERCING EXPANSION)
Camisk: Cute Ankles (Black; PG version) – Luas *Discontinued*
Body Straps: Panache (Black) – Silk Worms
Leg Warmers: Wenda Warmers (Black) – Luas
Upper Arm Padlock Bracelets: Chained Beast Armbands (from Chained Beast in Black) – Silk Worms
Cheek Piercing: Single Jewels Cheeks (Bonus from Inque set @ Dark Style Fair) – the HV
Right Eye Scar: Scar Tissue Eye (Light) – Soedara
Collar: Filligree Collar (Meshed) – Xanimations
Blowgun (on Hip): Aya Brumby Blowgun – Primus Weapons
Claws: Kin’ai Claws – Primus Weapons